Oh! The past!

It seems that as the end of the year is approaching I have really been struggling with the last year.  I wonder if I tried hard enough, worked hard enough, and took care of myself good enough.  It seems to be a constant battle with me.  I really thought I was over bulimia but I have battled it so much through the year that I guess I have come to the conclusion that I actually need a lot more help with it.  It makes me really said to think that I always drag myself down into the same whole over and over again.  Just one time I would like to learn my lesson and stick with it!

Don't get me wrong, a lot of good things have happened this year, mainly meeting Jeff, finding some really good friends, and working some kinks out with my family.  When I think back this time of year last year was so different than the way it is this year.  It really is scary!

I just hope that next year I can really get a handle on my life and some of the struggles that I can't get a handle on right now.  The scary part is how am I going to do it!

Christmas!

I really am happy at how Christmas turned out this year, I enjoyed almost every part of it, It makes me so happy to be able to have Jeff come everywhere with me and spend time with my family.  They really like him, and it is awesome to know what they do.  He really is an amazing person and never gives up on me even when I get really down,  especially lately, I have been getting down a ton.  I really wish I could control it better but sometimes I just can't.  I really hope that this new year is going to be alot better!  I really need to get rid of some of my vices and start really being strong about things.

I am really thankful and happy for how the holidays went this year though,  it is the first time I have really enjoyed them in awhile.  I love Jeff so much, and I am so thankful for the support he gives me in just about everyway.
He really is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him in my life!

The last night.

Footsteps!  I feel them...
Coming! Coming!  One then the other,
She hides under the covers,
"Please no", she whispers.
The footsteps don't stop, one and then the other.
A light!!! "please no!"
The blanket, flies off her head.
"No!" , she screams.
Then, its gone.
Her innocence,
Blood runs down her leg,
The pain. It will never go away,
He leaves, pushing her back down.
Hiding under the blanket,
She cries, "Oh! God why me?"
A few months later,
She tries to forget,
A few years later,
Her heart slips away.

bad day

The world is spinning
She tries to relax
Nothing keeping her here
One swift move
One clean cut
A rush of relief
It all comes back again
The pain, the anguish
The disgust
But freedom in one drop of blood

Some say the world will end in fire,
 Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
 But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
 To say that for destruction ice
Is also great,
 And would suffice.
-Robert Frost.

life, money, and all that sucks.

We have all been fucked, and our minds have been stolen from us.
We have been taught to think that money will solve all our problems,
when in the end it solves nothing, it makes us frustrated, depressed and slaves.
Until we start to think in a different way we will never be free.
Of course we need money for some things, but what will we do when this world shuts down.
When we have no grocery stores, no computers, and no fucking cell phones?
Will we survive?  No, most of us wont, not until we start thinking for ourselves,
not until we start thinking about the real reason we are living.
Why are we living?  Is it for ourselves?  or for the the past that has taught us?
We need change, or else we will continue down this dead end path, of nothing.
We have no substance anymore, What has happend?
I fucking won't sit here and take it anymore, some things don't cost money.
Some things are priceless, lets find those things, and fall in love again.
I just want freedom.

wow

Well things have been sort of tough lately, I'm not really sure why, Jeff and I have had some issues that we have had to work out, but I know that we will.  My eating has been sort of sucky, and I'm not happy with myself for choosing to go a few days without eating but sometimes it feels like its the only thing that will help me feel better.  Is that bad?
Sometimes things are just tricky, I know that they will all work out though, everything in life happens for a reason. 


Thanksgiving went good, chris came with jeff and I to my families house in Belfast and I think they had a good time, It really means alot to me that Jeff tries to get along with my family.  It was also good time with my family.  


Christmas is coming now, and I'm getting nervous because I still have not been able to find a good job, and I know I won't have alot of many to spend on getting people gifts.  At the same time I know that gifts are not what matters.  Things will also work out =)
Jeff's parents came over last week and his mom helped me put  up the christmas tree, I was really stoked about that!  I really like his family and feel that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who's family I actually really like =)