the hard parts about the holidays!

I don't know what it is about today, but I'm really not with it and it sucks, I'm really tired and don't feel like talking or doing anything.  I really wish I could somehow snap out of it because I know it is defently not what Jeff needs in his life right now, but i'm really dealing hard.    I sorta miss my family I guess its because its thanksgiving this coming week and I still don't know what I'm going to do, I can't imagine not being with Jeff but at the same time I really miss my grandparents and alot of my cousins.  I hate that life is so frustrating sometimes.  I can't seem to get a handle on it.  I really am afraid I am going to have another year of really sucky holidays and I don't want that to happen.  I wish I could just snap out of all of this....whats wrong with me.

welllll =)

I have not really gotten on to write much lately because I have been going under alot of change, I moved in with Jeff pretty much the same weekend that our friend Chris Grillo moved here from Oswego,
I was alittle worried about how everything would come about but so far it has been nothing but fun!
I love these boys very much and am so thankful for how much they are really helping me get thru,  moving and going thru all the transition is not easy for me at all, it is really scary and often i'm afraid I may be making the wrong choice and I'm setting myself  up for a failure.  I know for certain though that Jeff cares about me, and hes not just going to leave me hanging.  I wish I could get things worked out with my family, but I guess that whole holier than thou aspect of my family is really coming into play lately.  Its like you would think that after awhile people would just start to love someone for who they are but they won't think I'm doing the right thing till I'm some married woman who granduated from Bible school, and that is defently not going to happen, and hurts like hell to know that I'll never be accepted just for who I am.  I talked to my little brother last night and it really hurt to know how much I miss him, I love that boy with everything I am, and I don't know how to really be happy without him in my life.
I wish I could just make it so everyone could get along for the holidays atleast for the holidays.....

what the fuck

I wish I knew what was going on in my mind but I feel so lost lately, I don't think i'm living the life I should be and I know I'm the only one who can change it, but I don't know how to change it, I have these passions for a reason and I know I do, but how am I supossed to use them!?   I can't just start a revolution though I wish I could!

I'm so sick of people judging others on how they look, I know what its like and it sucks, guys and girls do this all the time they even judge their girlfriends and boyfriends.  I'm sorry but its not about what you look like its about what is in your heart, and I think the hottest person in the world is the one with the most heart.  Its about living and trying to make eachothers lives better not worse, and everytime you judge someone it hurts them probably more than you know.  I don't know how better to say this than am I the only one that looks at the heart and mind?  When did it become popular to be the skinny muscle jock, and the skinny pretty cheerleader?  seriously its fucking disgusting and I can't deal with it anymore, what happened to feminsim and girls standing up for themselves.  

God this world makes me sick sometimes.

I just need things to change, and soon or i'm going to lose it.

cold day.

My heart keeps tapping at the window
but you look the other way
My mouth keeps opening for air
its all gone
Am I still alive?
Its snowing now..
Cold and lifeless I look out the window.
You start running,
My heart leaves with you,
My face against the window,
Watching my world run away.

oh dear November!

Oh dear I hope this month gets better!  Yesterday started out really rough!  I got sick and was throwing up all day and didn't end up going into work at night, when I really need the money!  I also keep having these urges to leave the area, I don't know what is going on but Syracuse is really bothering me lately, its not even the people its more the atmosphere!  I think maybe its the weather the idea of really cold snow gets me upset!  I don't really know.  I'll I know is I'm not to into this being depressed thing,  Jeff and I keep fighting over really dumb shit, and that is just making it so much worse!  I know things will get better its just right now things are really bothering me!  I sorta wish I could run away for like a week or so maybe just to get my thoughts together!  The job I got it not enjoyable at all, and I know I should be thankful for what I have but this is just sucky.  gahh  I wish I was a cat or just lived in a sustainable community somewhere!  grr I need more coffee =)