another day another doller!

Well this week is going pretty good, I have been working everyday and it feels good to be working again.
Physically I only had one bad day and I got over it.  Aside of that I think i'm doing better.  I'm really trying to push myself to do better and live for health and my good choices.

Jeff and I carved our pumpkin on Thursday night and that made me really happy!  I love halloween and fall!
He is a really good guy, I love him very much.  I'll write more later but i'm going to get coffee with a friend right now =)

=)

first day of work!

Today was my first day of work at Zumiez,  part of me is like noooo another mall job and another part of me is well atleast I have a job now!  I was seriously getting soooo depressed with not being able to find a job thank goodness for one!!!!!  


I don't feel like writing much other than that I did have a good day at work, but i'm not feeling to well and going to go to sleep early tonight.  

I love fall!

Well I won't lie this was a really hard week for me, I went thru some stuff at home and it made me pretty depressed.  I only ended up getting sick and throwing up like twice though!  I won't lie that made me happy because even though I don't want to do it at all, slowing it down and learning how to eat healthy and keep the food in my stomach is my biggest struggle because most of the time when I do eat it makes me really depressed if it stays in my stomach.  I don't really know how I got this way, other than it started when I was really young because I was always pressured on how I looked or what I was doing and it had to match up with with my parents wanted. 

This week was hard but in many ways good aswell, I got a job at zumiez and it looks really promising because I don't think i'm going to even start at just being sales I got interviewd for assistent manager when the position opens and I think i'm going to start out as a key holder.  So I am hoping it will all help me figure out where this crazy world is taking me.

I really need to go camping and spend time outside, I'm soo sick of the city right now it makes me feel as though I can't breath.  I need air and space and nature, I know I sounds like a hippie but there is something about being outside that helps a person think clearly!  Plus the colors of fall will make anyone feel safe.

grr IDK!  =)  The world is one huge amazing place.  Just scary sometimes!

Mondays!

Mondays are defently the hardest for me and I think its because I always expect them to be better than the rest of the week or maybe its because of the tiny change from weekend to week.  I'm not sure all I know is I hate mondays! 
       I had a really good weekend, spent time in Oswego with friends and then came home to a very sweet boyfriend.  Jeff and I arnt perfect but he is wonderful and is a fighter and I like that in a person because I know that I'll have his support in anything.  Saterday we relaxed and then went with our friend Andy to go see Jackass 3D it was really funny I must say.  On Sunday we just relaxed then went and got hot cocoa from Recess and took a nice walk.  In all honesty the was probably my favorite thing all weekend!  I love hot cocoa!
        Today itself is not doing well I ate something that made me sick and ended up throwing it all up, that is a huge part of this whole change is just getting used to eating and keeping it down and recognizing if its a mind trick or if it is actually making my stomach ill.   There is alot of stress in my life whenever I go to my parents house and that is also getting to me.  I wish I knew how to make things better, but I guess I can't help everyone. 
        I just honestly can't wait for this day to be over so that tomorrow can start out on a much better note!

Another rainy morning

It seems as though the rain season is here instead of a nice fresh smelling fall, I'm not complaining though I guess we need it!  Yesterday was a struggle because okay so bulimia is throwing up, but I have almost forgotten how to eat normally period.  So I hadnt eaten untill,  I went to  pick up a good friend of mine and we talked about the problem and how I can work on getting better, and he goes "did you eat today?"  I guess I had not.  This path I have taken for so many years seems close to impossible to break, but I don't really have a choice anymore.  I'm a girl "a young woman"  who wants to have a family someday and prosper in this huge world.  That means I need to learn how to prosper properly.  I understand all that but its soooo much easier said than done.  I can't just go sit down three times a day or even twice for a meal without getting bloated because my stomach is so used to either not eating or throwing up.  I am determined and this friend who took me out to make sure I ate helped me see a different side to it all.  A side that maybe people do care about what happens to me and how I take care of my body.  So this is going to be a new day even if it is rainy!  I am going to continue to try because I have to and want to. 


I can't thank that dear friend enough for helping me to see something in a new way last night.

Tomorrow

The rain seems to fall faster
She stops to listen
of better days and long goodbyes,
Its a new world out there she says,
not sure what this new day will bring,
The clouds break and the wind whistles
somehow things always get better,
The sunshine comes out and smiles start
These leaves are beautiful!
The day is ending and the moon shines bright
Oh better thoughts are coming
and a new day is about to birth,
A step in the right direction
She knows life is always better every new day.
-me

The long walk.: Whyyyyy

The long walk.: Whyyyyy: "You may ask yourself why is Hannah writing this blog or who for? Well these are really simply answers. I myself have been dealing with som..."

The long walk.: today

The long walk.: today: "Today I have decided I need a change a new start to life, because I know if I keep living this way I'm going to get sick. It has to be a ch..."

today

Today I have decided I need a change a new start to life, because I know if I keep living this way I'm going to get sick.  It has to be a change I make for myself and no one else.  Last night ended with me throwing up about 3 times just because I ate a salad.  I have gone to bed many times spitting out blood and with a bloated stomach.  For years people have just thought I have had stomach issues because that is all I have told them.  The scars on my knuckles from forcing the food out are normally hidden and small enough where no one can see them.  I know I can't live this way anymore because someday I will have to face the fact that I could of carried my life better and I didn't.  So today i'm stopping well I'm going to atleast try.  I am not to sure how but this is a battle I am ready to fight.  Its embarrassing and scary to think that I really have had a problem all these years just because I thought of myself as ugly and not worth a better life.  It needs to end.  I hope in the end this will help me be able to help other girls and boys with the same issues I have dealt with since I was 13.  This world is a scary and very judging place and most people don't even understand how important inner beauty is.  I believe it is the most important thing, and I myself need to understand that even more.  Bare with me.

Whyyyyy

You may ask yourself why is Hannah writing this blog or who for?  Well these are really simply answers.  I myself have been dealing with some very interesting habits that are very unhealthy and I want my bestfriend to read them, see he is in the army and very far away.  So I figure this would be a good way for him to catch up on my life and maybe help me get some thoughts out!  I will be talking about the battle of bulimia that I have had since I was 14 and a few other things that are alittle more normal and part of everyday life =)  Maybe someday this will help someone aswell as me!