Oh! The past!

It seems that as the end of the year is approaching I have really been struggling with the last year.  I wonder if I tried hard enough, worked hard enough, and took care of myself good enough.  It seems to be a constant battle with me.  I really thought I was over bulimia but I have battled it so much through the year that I guess I have come to the conclusion that I actually need a lot more help with it.  It makes me really said to think that I always drag myself down into the same whole over and over again.  Just one time I would like to learn my lesson and stick with it!

Don't get me wrong, a lot of good things have happened this year, mainly meeting Jeff, finding some really good friends, and working some kinks out with my family.  When I think back this time of year last year was so different than the way it is this year.  It really is scary!

I just hope that next year I can really get a handle on my life and some of the struggles that I can't get a handle on right now.  The scary part is how am I going to do it!

Christmas!

I really am happy at how Christmas turned out this year, I enjoyed almost every part of it, It makes me so happy to be able to have Jeff come everywhere with me and spend time with my family.  They really like him, and it is awesome to know what they do.  He really is an amazing person and never gives up on me even when I get really down,  especially lately, I have been getting down a ton.  I really wish I could control it better but sometimes I just can't.  I really hope that this new year is going to be alot better!  I really need to get rid of some of my vices and start really being strong about things.

I am really thankful and happy for how the holidays went this year though,  it is the first time I have really enjoyed them in awhile.  I love Jeff so much, and I am so thankful for the support he gives me in just about everyway.
He really is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him in my life!

The last night.

Footsteps!  I feel them...
Coming! Coming!  One then the other,
She hides under the covers,
"Please no", she whispers.
The footsteps don't stop, one and then the other.
A light!!! "please no!"
The blanket, flies off her head.
"No!" , she screams.
Then, its gone.
Her innocence,
Blood runs down her leg,
The pain. It will never go away,
He leaves, pushing her back down.
Hiding under the blanket,
She cries, "Oh! God why me?"
A few months later,
She tries to forget,
A few years later,
Her heart slips away.

bad day

The world is spinning
She tries to relax
Nothing keeping her here
One swift move
One clean cut
A rush of relief
It all comes back again
The pain, the anguish
The disgust
But freedom in one drop of blood

Some say the world will end in fire,
 Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
 But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
 To say that for destruction ice
Is also great,
 And would suffice.
-Robert Frost.

life, money, and all that sucks.

We have all been fucked, and our minds have been stolen from us.
We have been taught to think that money will solve all our problems,
when in the end it solves nothing, it makes us frustrated, depressed and slaves.
Until we start to think in a different way we will never be free.
Of course we need money for some things, but what will we do when this world shuts down.
When we have no grocery stores, no computers, and no fucking cell phones?
Will we survive?  No, most of us wont, not until we start thinking for ourselves,
not until we start thinking about the real reason we are living.
Why are we living?  Is it for ourselves?  or for the the past that has taught us?
We need change, or else we will continue down this dead end path, of nothing.
We have no substance anymore, What has happend?
I fucking won't sit here and take it anymore, some things don't cost money.
Some things are priceless, lets find those things, and fall in love again.
I just want freedom.

wow

Well things have been sort of tough lately, I'm not really sure why, Jeff and I have had some issues that we have had to work out, but I know that we will.  My eating has been sort of sucky, and I'm not happy with myself for choosing to go a few days without eating but sometimes it feels like its the only thing that will help me feel better.  Is that bad?
Sometimes things are just tricky, I know that they will all work out though, everything in life happens for a reason. 


Thanksgiving went good, chris came with jeff and I to my families house in Belfast and I think they had a good time, It really means alot to me that Jeff tries to get along with my family.  It was also good time with my family.  


Christmas is coming now, and I'm getting nervous because I still have not been able to find a good job, and I know I won't have alot of many to spend on getting people gifts.  At the same time I know that gifts are not what matters.  Things will also work out =)
Jeff's parents came over last week and his mom helped me put  up the christmas tree, I was really stoked about that!  I really like his family and feel that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who's family I actually really like =) 

the hard parts about the holidays!

I don't know what it is about today, but I'm really not with it and it sucks, I'm really tired and don't feel like talking or doing anything.  I really wish I could somehow snap out of it because I know it is defently not what Jeff needs in his life right now, but i'm really dealing hard.    I sorta miss my family I guess its because its thanksgiving this coming week and I still don't know what I'm going to do, I can't imagine not being with Jeff but at the same time I really miss my grandparents and alot of my cousins.  I hate that life is so frustrating sometimes.  I can't seem to get a handle on it.  I really am afraid I am going to have another year of really sucky holidays and I don't want that to happen.  I wish I could just snap out of all of this....whats wrong with me.

welllll =)

I have not really gotten on to write much lately because I have been going under alot of change, I moved in with Jeff pretty much the same weekend that our friend Chris Grillo moved here from Oswego,
I was alittle worried about how everything would come about but so far it has been nothing but fun!
I love these boys very much and am so thankful for how much they are really helping me get thru,  moving and going thru all the transition is not easy for me at all, it is really scary and often i'm afraid I may be making the wrong choice and I'm setting myself  up for a failure.  I know for certain though that Jeff cares about me, and hes not just going to leave me hanging.  I wish I could get things worked out with my family, but I guess that whole holier than thou aspect of my family is really coming into play lately.  Its like you would think that after awhile people would just start to love someone for who they are but they won't think I'm doing the right thing till I'm some married woman who granduated from Bible school, and that is defently not going to happen, and hurts like hell to know that I'll never be accepted just for who I am.  I talked to my little brother last night and it really hurt to know how much I miss him, I love that boy with everything I am, and I don't know how to really be happy without him in my life.
I wish I could just make it so everyone could get along for the holidays atleast for the holidays.....

what the fuck

I wish I knew what was going on in my mind but I feel so lost lately, I don't think i'm living the life I should be and I know I'm the only one who can change it, but I don't know how to change it, I have these passions for a reason and I know I do, but how am I supossed to use them!?   I can't just start a revolution though I wish I could!

I'm so sick of people judging others on how they look, I know what its like and it sucks, guys and girls do this all the time they even judge their girlfriends and boyfriends.  I'm sorry but its not about what you look like its about what is in your heart, and I think the hottest person in the world is the one with the most heart.  Its about living and trying to make eachothers lives better not worse, and everytime you judge someone it hurts them probably more than you know.  I don't know how better to say this than am I the only one that looks at the heart and mind?  When did it become popular to be the skinny muscle jock, and the skinny pretty cheerleader?  seriously its fucking disgusting and I can't deal with it anymore, what happened to feminsim and girls standing up for themselves.  

God this world makes me sick sometimes.

I just need things to change, and soon or i'm going to lose it.

cold day.

My heart keeps tapping at the window
but you look the other way
My mouth keeps opening for air
its all gone
Am I still alive?
Its snowing now..
Cold and lifeless I look out the window.
You start running,
My heart leaves with you,
My face against the window,
Watching my world run away.

oh dear November!

Oh dear I hope this month gets better!  Yesterday started out really rough!  I got sick and was throwing up all day and didn't end up going into work at night, when I really need the money!  I also keep having these urges to leave the area, I don't know what is going on but Syracuse is really bothering me lately, its not even the people its more the atmosphere!  I think maybe its the weather the idea of really cold snow gets me upset!  I don't really know.  I'll I know is I'm not to into this being depressed thing,  Jeff and I keep fighting over really dumb shit, and that is just making it so much worse!  I know things will get better its just right now things are really bothering me!  I sorta wish I could run away for like a week or so maybe just to get my thoughts together!  The job I got it not enjoyable at all, and I know I should be thankful for what I have but this is just sucky.  gahh  I wish I was a cat or just lived in a sustainable community somewhere!  grr I need more coffee =)

another day another doller!

Well this week is going pretty good, I have been working everyday and it feels good to be working again.
Physically I only had one bad day and I got over it.  Aside of that I think i'm doing better.  I'm really trying to push myself to do better and live for health and my good choices.

Jeff and I carved our pumpkin on Thursday night and that made me really happy!  I love halloween and fall!
He is a really good guy, I love him very much.  I'll write more later but i'm going to get coffee with a friend right now =)

=)

first day of work!

Today was my first day of work at Zumiez,  part of me is like noooo another mall job and another part of me is well atleast I have a job now!  I was seriously getting soooo depressed with not being able to find a job thank goodness for one!!!!!  


I don't feel like writing much other than that I did have a good day at work, but i'm not feeling to well and going to go to sleep early tonight.  

I love fall!

Well I won't lie this was a really hard week for me, I went thru some stuff at home and it made me pretty depressed.  I only ended up getting sick and throwing up like twice though!  I won't lie that made me happy because even though I don't want to do it at all, slowing it down and learning how to eat healthy and keep the food in my stomach is my biggest struggle because most of the time when I do eat it makes me really depressed if it stays in my stomach.  I don't really know how I got this way, other than it started when I was really young because I was always pressured on how I looked or what I was doing and it had to match up with with my parents wanted. 

This week was hard but in many ways good aswell, I got a job at zumiez and it looks really promising because I don't think i'm going to even start at just being sales I got interviewd for assistent manager when the position opens and I think i'm going to start out as a key holder.  So I am hoping it will all help me figure out where this crazy world is taking me.

I really need to go camping and spend time outside, I'm soo sick of the city right now it makes me feel as though I can't breath.  I need air and space and nature, I know I sounds like a hippie but there is something about being outside that helps a person think clearly!  Plus the colors of fall will make anyone feel safe.

grr IDK!  =)  The world is one huge amazing place.  Just scary sometimes!

Mondays!

Mondays are defently the hardest for me and I think its because I always expect them to be better than the rest of the week or maybe its because of the tiny change from weekend to week.  I'm not sure all I know is I hate mondays! 
       I had a really good weekend, spent time in Oswego with friends and then came home to a very sweet boyfriend.  Jeff and I arnt perfect but he is wonderful and is a fighter and I like that in a person because I know that I'll have his support in anything.  Saterday we relaxed and then went with our friend Andy to go see Jackass 3D it was really funny I must say.  On Sunday we just relaxed then went and got hot cocoa from Recess and took a nice walk.  In all honesty the was probably my favorite thing all weekend!  I love hot cocoa!
        Today itself is not doing well I ate something that made me sick and ended up throwing it all up, that is a huge part of this whole change is just getting used to eating and keeping it down and recognizing if its a mind trick or if it is actually making my stomach ill.   There is alot of stress in my life whenever I go to my parents house and that is also getting to me.  I wish I knew how to make things better, but I guess I can't help everyone. 
        I just honestly can't wait for this day to be over so that tomorrow can start out on a much better note!

Another rainy morning

It seems as though the rain season is here instead of a nice fresh smelling fall, I'm not complaining though I guess we need it!  Yesterday was a struggle because okay so bulimia is throwing up, but I have almost forgotten how to eat normally period.  So I hadnt eaten untill,  I went to  pick up a good friend of mine and we talked about the problem and how I can work on getting better, and he goes "did you eat today?"  I guess I had not.  This path I have taken for so many years seems close to impossible to break, but I don't really have a choice anymore.  I'm a girl "a young woman"  who wants to have a family someday and prosper in this huge world.  That means I need to learn how to prosper properly.  I understand all that but its soooo much easier said than done.  I can't just go sit down three times a day or even twice for a meal without getting bloated because my stomach is so used to either not eating or throwing up.  I am determined and this friend who took me out to make sure I ate helped me see a different side to it all.  A side that maybe people do care about what happens to me and how I take care of my body.  So this is going to be a new day even if it is rainy!  I am going to continue to try because I have to and want to. 


I can't thank that dear friend enough for helping me to see something in a new way last night.

Tomorrow

The rain seems to fall faster
She stops to listen
of better days and long goodbyes,
Its a new world out there she says,
not sure what this new day will bring,
The clouds break and the wind whistles
somehow things always get better,
The sunshine comes out and smiles start
These leaves are beautiful!
The day is ending and the moon shines bright
Oh better thoughts are coming
and a new day is about to birth,
A step in the right direction
She knows life is always better every new day.
-me

The long walk.: Whyyyyy

The long walk.: Whyyyyy: "You may ask yourself why is Hannah writing this blog or who for? Well these are really simply answers. I myself have been dealing with som..."

The long walk.: today

The long walk.: today: "Today I have decided I need a change a new start to life, because I know if I keep living this way I'm going to get sick. It has to be a ch..."

today

Today I have decided I need a change a new start to life, because I know if I keep living this way I'm going to get sick.  It has to be a change I make for myself and no one else.  Last night ended with me throwing up about 3 times just because I ate a salad.  I have gone to bed many times spitting out blood and with a bloated stomach.  For years people have just thought I have had stomach issues because that is all I have told them.  The scars on my knuckles from forcing the food out are normally hidden and small enough where no one can see them.  I know I can't live this way anymore because someday I will have to face the fact that I could of carried my life better and I didn't.  So today i'm stopping well I'm going to atleast try.  I am not to sure how but this is a battle I am ready to fight.  Its embarrassing and scary to think that I really have had a problem all these years just because I thought of myself as ugly and not worth a better life.  It needs to end.  I hope in the end this will help me be able to help other girls and boys with the same issues I have dealt with since I was 13.  This world is a scary and very judging place and most people don't even understand how important inner beauty is.  I believe it is the most important thing, and I myself need to understand that even more.  Bare with me.

Whyyyyy

You may ask yourself why is Hannah writing this blog or who for?  Well these are really simply answers.  I myself have been dealing with some very interesting habits that are very unhealthy and I want my bestfriend to read them, see he is in the army and very far away.  So I figure this would be a good way for him to catch up on my life and maybe help me get some thoughts out!  I will be talking about the battle of bulimia that I have had since I was 14 and a few other things that are alittle more normal and part of everyday life =)  Maybe someday this will help someone aswell as me!